Anger and Guilt

I thought it would be easier by now.


I thought getting another dog would help bridge that gaping hole you left.


I thought I would still remember how you smelled and how you felt.


It feels like forever ago that we were together, and yet it all went by so fast since you left.


6 months ago I lost you, and I am angry.



Tyson, it hasn't gotten easier. I can't look at your pictures or see your little box, just sitting there on the shelf without missing you. It is hard to explain. You were my twin, my soul's match. You got me. And then I feel silly because you were a dog. Just a dog. And yet, you held my world together in so many ways.


You never did the things to me that people do. You never cheated. You never lied - okay, sometimes you tried to pretend it wasn't you that did it - but eventually you came clean. You never left me. You never tried to hold me back from my beautiful life and the adventures I had without you.


And I left you. I left you to find a home in CO. I left you to find myself. I left you and you always stayed. You always waited. Are you waiting now?



Tyson, getting another dog didn't help. I don't know where your energy went, but I hope, in some way, you can still sense me and know that it didn't replace you. He is beautiful and well-behaved and I love him. But he isn't you. No one will never be you.


You used to smile. All. The. Fucking. Time. You used to bork at people when I told you to because you knew it was funny. You used to sit on my lap. You healed my soul so many times. And no one else can do that.


And I try every day to love Floki like I love you, and I feel guilty because I can't. I think he knows. I hope he doesn't. Is it okay if I do, though, someday?



Tyson, I cannot remember how you smelled, or what it felt like to pet you. Sometimes I think I remember what it felt like to lay on the floor with you, how you would have to lay up against me because it was so hard for you to get comfortable with your aching joints.


Or did you do that so we could be close?


I feel you in my heart, but the physical memory of you is already fading and it fucking hurts. I want to hear your bork and watch you howl at a siren. I want to breathe in your wild, outdoor smell and feel your downy fur. I want to see you bounding through the snow, and lolling in the summer sun. I want to know you in this world, again.



Tyson, I feel guilty. I am leaving teaching after this year, and will have more time at home. I will be able to go to the dog park, and just spend mornings editing and petting a dog. That was supposed to be you. It was supposed to be me, you, and Charlie.


I always asked you to hold on one more summer. I was always waiting to make a little more money, grow my business a little more, or find a way to make more time. You always held on. I never figured it out. Now, when you have left, I finally did it, bud. I finally figured it out, at least to a point that I can spend more time with you. I have so many adventures planned, and all I want is for you to come with. I want you to stand on top of mountains with me again, and watch quiet sunsets in the backyard.


But I can't. And that is what hurts. That is what makes me angry.


I always told you I had no regrets.


Even my divorce brought me Charlie.


But now I do.


I regret not living more in the moment with you.


Always,

Marie



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