Planning a Wedding: How to curate a marriage-centered celebration

Engaged and Planning a Wedding? Start by Centering Your Marriage

A marriage is a beautiful connection between people that confirms their love and sews their souls together for life.

A wedding is a party to celebrate that marriage.

Too often, our society prioritizes that backwards. The wedding is the focus of everything. Planning a wedding becomes overwhelming for most, and rightfully so - there are so many details, so much to consider.

I think we should go back to where it started: Marriage first. The wedding is a bonus.

These are bold statements from someone who makes a living off the elopement and wedding industry, but they are guiding principles to how I design and approach any marriage celebration - whether an adventurous elopement, a full-blown traditional wedding, or a small gathering for a feast.

I am not hardened - most of my clients can attest to the fact that I tear up or full-out cry at almost every celebration. I can do this because I carefully promote myself and my energy in a way that attracts genuine couples - and I continue to be a voice of reason that the marriage is what matters.

I have over 25 years of experience in the wedding industry - from florist at 14 to wedding planner to bartender to venue manager to photographer to videographer - and while I don't coin myself an expert - I know enough to dole out some wedding planning tips.

When a client is overwhelmed by small details of the celebration, I always ask the same question: what the goal of the day?

The answer is simple: to marry the person they love.

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Wedding Planning Basics: How to Begin with Intention

Now that we have that seriousness out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff - curating the celebration of your marriage.

There are three key things to consider before you start planning:

1. Who do I want at my celebration? Who matters most to us? How well do we each handle social pressure? Do we get overwhelmed or energized by large or small groups? (size)

2. What kind of setting speaks to us as a couple? Inside or outside? What is reasonable for the size we determined in part one? (setting)

3. How will we commemorate and honor our marriage union? Do we want to go to the courthouse for the legal ceremony and have a spiritual ceremony at the celebration? Is our faith important and do we want it included in our marriage? Does the location of the ceremony matter? (ceremony)

Obviously this is the tip of the iceberg, but it will help narrow down the field of possibilities as you plan.

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How Big Should Your Wedding Be? Deciding Who to Invite

More and more, I hear the same thing from couples: I wish I had/hadn't invited...

Typically those invites are out of obligation (I wish I hadn't...) or restriction (I wish I had...).

So let's throw out all decorum and what people expect of us for a moment. Let's close our eyes and imagine our dream celebration. Who do you see? How do you feel? What do you smell? What do you hear? How does your soul feel?

Write those answers down.

Now, without hesitation, WHO DO YOU ABSOLUTELY NOT WANT AT YOUR WEDDING. Sure, an ex might pop up, but maybe it is a friend of your partner who always makes everything about them and that gives you anxiety. Maybe it is a relative who cuts you down as a joke all the time.

Make the lists. Be brutal. Be honest. Who are your must-haves. Who are your maybes. Who are your absolutely nots.

Let that list sit. I recommend hand-writing it. You activate more centers in your brain when writing by hand versus typing, which allows your brain to process more and for real emotion to come through, as well as strong logic. Draw arrows, highlight, let that first draft be messy.

Now walk away. Walk away and let the chaos settle. In the time away from the list, think back to your imagining. Was it a large or small wedding? When you go back to that list to clean it up, start to consider other things: plus ones, kids, etc.

At this point you should have a pretty good list, and a pretty solid baseline. Based off of this number, and your dream celebration, we can start talking about the next step: the setting.

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When to Select Your Wedding Venue First

Now that you have a ballpark guest list (it will fluctuate a little), it is time to start the location search.

A few things to consider:

1. Do you want everything all in one location?

   1. If no, do you want a certain ceremony location OR reception location?

   2. Can you have everything you want in one place?

   3. Will photos on the property (if only one) fit your vision or do you need to travel just for photos?

2. Is having your marriage in your home church/place of worship important to you?

   1. If yes, what is your limit for travel after the ceremony?

   2. If yes, what are your options nearby that fit your vision and guest list?

3. What are all the amenities you need to make your vision come to life?

4. What is included in the location/venue?

Once you answer these questions, the search begins. I highly recommend Zola or AI for your search, as well as social media wedding groups. These will give you great insights and reviews.

A note on reviews: take them with a grain of salt. If most of the reviews are 4/5 stars, and only a handful are 1/2 stars, that may have been when the vendor was first opening...or...and I have seen this so much over the past 25+ years...it is a couple that cannot be made happy because their vision was either not able to become reality OR they just are not realistic due to social media, etc. Ope.

Start a list, start a spreadsheet - whatever works for you to keep track. Always keep in mind the size of your party from step one and eliminate anything that is too small or too large.

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Wedding Ceremony Planning: Making the Ceremony the Priority

Once you select a venue for your party, we return to the thing that matters most: your marriage, solidified by a meaningful, beautiful ceremony. The ceremony has three things to consider: location, people, and style.

Location

For those with a home place of worship, this is easy. That is where it will take place.

For those without ties to a certain place, you have a few options:

1. At your reception venue. This could be indoor (sometimes requiring a room flip) or outdoor, depending on the space.

2. At the courthouse. One thing to consider: many courthouses do not have weekend appointments for civil ceremonies.

3. At another venue. For people selecting an urban location for the party, but craving an outdoor ceremony (or vice versa), this can be perfect.

Really think about how you want your ceremony to LOOK. You can go anywhere for your portraits, but your ceremony is a one-take for photos and vibe. Make sure the location passes the test.

People

You do not need to invite everyone from the party list to your ceremony. I will die on that hill.

For some people (hi, it's me, I'm some people) the idea of 75+ people staring at me while I make intimate, sacred vows to my person is terrifying. For some, that is easy.

If you think you want a smaller ceremony, do it. You can even do it on a different day at a different location entirely (think mountains, beach, Vegas, wherever) with just yourselves and your witnesses or with a different group entirely. If you do this, I recommend a videographer that day with a quick turnaround (most have rush options) so you can show it at the reception.

Be creative here. If you want opinions or have questions, ASK ME.

Style

Not every ceremony is completely serious. Not all of them have moments of levity. The style of your ceremony is completely dependent on your personalities and your preferences.

A few recommendations:

1. Make it at least 15 minutes long. Any shorter feels rushed. Your photographer and others will feel it.

2. Have it be unique to you: whether through music, readings, or format.

3. Take time to look out at your guests (if you have them) or take in the moments. No need to rush.

4. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause when you get up there to smile at each other and exchange private words. Pause after the kiss to celebrate. Time is valuable, and celebrating your marriage is worth its weight in gold.

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I can give you all the advice in the world, but at the end of the day, only one thing matters: making sure you AND your partner are content with the launch of your marriage, and are ready to put in the WORK to make it last forever.

Happy planning!