The Depression of Not Creating

Your artist friends are struggling right now. We haven't necessarily been able to create, and for photographers, we have not been able to see our clients. We are dealing with canceling weddings, and we feel the pain of our couples.


The not working aspect is hard. Our passion is our why and we are not living it out right now. As much as the lack of money sucks, the lack of creating is harder.


When these COVID-19 restrictions first started, I was excited. I had endless time to edit, only three weddings to reschedule, and could still shoot outdoors while practicing social distancing. Then, the Safer at Home order was implemented.


Turns out photography is a non-essential business after all. Just kidding - I always knew that.


The reality of my livelihood being taken away in a moment is harder to deal with. I just want to sleep all day, and when I could be doing work, I am going crazy and hike instead. I stay up too late, drink too much wine, and just watch my camera collect dust.


Every email from my couples is met with anxiety. I love them all so much, and knowing the stress of rescheduling their weddings is hard. Often times, I read an email over and over, days in a row, before I can muster up a response. I am not being irresponsible. I am really just getting through this and doing the best I can.


You would think, since I run my own business and work from home, that I would be better at this.


Here's the thing, though - I need motivation. Not to sound like a lush, but a lot of my motivation comes from being able to go out and see my friends. Right now, I can't do that, so I don't need to push myself to finish editing, or hell - even start editing.


On top of that lack of motivation is the lack of inspiration. I have nothing to process or play through, no amazing light coming through the viewfinder to get excited about. I have my computer and spreadsheets and Netflix.


I am a photographer, not an editor. Editing is part of the process, but it is not what keeps me going.


So when you see me, with all the skills of working from home and all this time, doing nothing, just remember: if I am not creating, I am not.


We see you struggling and we feel you. As soon as we are able to, let's find a way to make sessions happen and enjoy the freedom to capture moments of beauty in this chaos.


Until then, I raise my glasses to you (I have been forcing myself to double-fist water with my wine), and cheers to hope <3

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